Saturday, November 14, 2009

Extreme Honesty

Seriously, the past few days have been really bad for lacking self control. If you know me personally, please don't judge me for what I say in this post! Tonight, Wade wanted dessert, so I baked cupcakes. And I proceeded to eat 4 1/2 of them. Apparently, two or even three cupcakes wasn't enough to satisfy me, so I ate 4 1/2. Think that's bad? Earlier this week, I had 1.5 L of ice cream over a period of two days. That is not a typo: I had 6 cups of the delicious cookie dough ice cream. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I ALWAYS feel overfull afterwards. I did this a lot when I was 10, 11, 12 years old, but I kicked the compulsion. It has always come back occassionally, but it lessened over time. Although, like this week, my over-indulging still happens now and then, it hasn't happened in well over a year. When this compulsion occurs, it's like some monster that must be fed overcomes me, and I can't stop eating until I am FULL. And I don't mean a little full, I mean bursting at the seams with more calories, sugar and fat than I would normally eat in a week.

There is no feelings of gratification when I'm done. I used to feel extreme guilt and shame for doing this to myself. Now, I realize there is no sense in feeling guilty. I just feel mad and frustrated with myself for not having more self control. It's just sometimes, once I start indulging, something turns "on", and I just can't stop eating.

I felt sick fifteen minutes ago. I wonder if I would feel better if I was sick, but I never want to go down that road, fearing it could lead to bulimia. My body just doesn't work that way: I am never sick if I overeat. Once the sugar high subsides (from the icing on the cupcake), I might feel so gross (as my insides digest all this unhealthy food) that I'll curl into a ball, or maybe (and this is what prefer) I'll have enough energy (and not feel too gross) so I can go for a walk and feel a bit better. I do not see myself as bulimic, but perhaps I have the potential to lean that way. I don't get sick, exercise or starve myself to compensate (as is the definition of bulimia), but I might go for a walk to feel better, and am often "turned off" sweets for days after (even thinking of sweets actually turns my stomac right now).

It really is like a compulsion, a monster that overtakes me and must be fed. How awful.

If you have any similar experiences, please feel free to share. Do you feel guilty after binge-eating? Do you or did you have any binge behaviours - eating, drinking, or otherwise? Do you see me differently (positively or negatively) for what I've admitted. Please feel free to share by commenting or emailing me.


  1. I do the same thing. I have the biggest sweet tooth, and I'm a super fast eater. The result is that I often overeat on sweets... and other things... I can control it most of the time, but other times it can be bad. Like eating an entire theater box of candy, or the majority of a bag of chips. Like you, overeating rarely makes me sick (I swear sometimes that I could win an eating contest - gross). I usually just feel frustrated at myself too.
    It's strange, I go through these phases when I'll be super good and not overeat, I get full faster and won't want to. Then there will be other times when I'm just hungry all the time. Insatiable, and I crave all the "bad" stuff.

    I don't really know why it is or what triggers it, so I normally try to keep the house free of all that "bad" stuff and make good choices for breakfast and lunch during the week. That way, on the weekend, if we go out and I eat a little more than I should (those restaurant portions!), I don't feel as bad because I've been really good during the week.

    Hope you had a great weekend!

  2. Feels familiar as well. I just have a big appetite for my size, and sometimes simply can't control myself... Have some problems with balance in that area: either I'll eat incredibly healthy, or I'll totally pig out.

    Obviously it's not a desirable habit, but don't be so hard on yourself... I simply try to balance it out by eating better and working out a little harder. I also notice that these cravings are the worst at this time of year: might be a weird way your body finds to react to the change of time and (depressing) shorter days.

  3. I always feel awful after I binge eat! I try to make up for it with working out as well, but it's probably a bad thing in the sense that I really beat myself up over it.

    I in no way think of you any differently at all!