Saturday, October 29, 2011

Let's Try This Again

First, let me say that I’m going to attempt blogging again.

I don’t have a very good reason for a temporary absence. I just didn’t have the motivation for a while, and when I did have the motivation, I was very busy with work.

So let me just start with it and summarize where I am.

I like work. In fact, there are days where I really like work. But I also get into ruts where I can’t possibly see how I can advance my career doing what I’m doing, and depressed because I know that if I were to return to the private sector, I’d make 10-20% more money. I need to push myself in ways there are completely foreign to me, but I’m not sure I can. In the interest of total disclosure, I consult in health and safety, and I need to step out of my comfort zone and sell my company to perspective clients. I’m not going at selling things. There are lots of workplaces that need to improve their health and safety, and I’m very good at what I do. I guess I just need to convince others of this.

Self Esteem:
I used to have marvellous self-esteem. I wasn’t conceited; at least, I don’t think I was. I just knew I was beautiful. I know how that sounds – it sounds like I’m conceited. But I think I just had a healthy sense of self-esteem, something that many girls and women do not have. I still know I’m good looking, but I no longer believe I’m beautiful. But what’s really consuming me is that I’ve gained almost 30 lbs in the past 2 ½ years, and I just keep gaining. I can’t stop. It slowly creeps us, each week. I have brief periods where I go down a pound or two, but then back up it goes. I know the basics: calories in < calories out, eat healthy, exercise. But I don’t always have the energy to exercise. And lately, food feels like it’s holding a spell on me. If there’s something yummy, it just calls to me to eat it. And because I’ve gained almost 30 lbs, I’m up a size. I don’t normally discuss my weight or size, but I’m 5’8” and a little bit (or as I round up, I say “five foot eight and a half”), which I think makes me 173 or 174 cm. I weight 186 lbs as of this morning. I was around 160 lbs 2-1/2 years ago, which I was happy with. It’s depressing to admit how much I’ve gained. And every time I see an actress or person I admire who’s slender, I really feel upset with myself for gaining so much weight.

Since I’m up a size, I don’t have much clothing that fits. And I don’t have enough money to buy a whole new wardrobe, so I’m buying a few things each month, because I want to look good, but all the while I’m hoping that I can reverse this trend and won’t need this larger clothing much longer. I was a size 12 (sometimes 10), and now I’m a 14 (sometimes 12), but that can vary widely, depending on the brand.

I do enjoy helping charities. I volunteer with a dog rescue group (doing phone interviews to find out if applicants would be good homes for our dogs), St. John Ambulance (going to an event per month to provide first-aid if required), a kidney cancer advocacy group (occasionally doing stuff to help out, but this is not often), and as the coordinator for an annual walk (“Great Strides”) to raise funds for Cystic Fibrosis, a disease my cousin had. I think I do too much, but I don’t know what to cut out. It stretches me too thin.

I’ll leave it there for now. I think I’m going to try blogging a couple times a week, and see how that goes. I hope you continue to follow me along! And if you know me in real life, please try not to judge.